July 24 ain't my favorite day. For me,it will be forever remembered as a loss of a person who first treated me like a princess. Yes I'm his baby princess:) My dad's passing became difficult for me to understand, it was a shock not just for me but also for people who knew him. While writing this, I stumbled across the article of inquirer online about my dad's murder, what they did to him is just so brutal--UNACCEPTABLE! .
Then I was reminded how that day went and I wished I could turn back time.
It was a Tuesday morning, thought it was going to be just an ordinary day not until I kissed my dad to say goodbye because I was about to go to school, he walked me up to the doorsteps then when I was about 3 to 5 steps away he called me back and asked if I could skip school and stay in the house with him. I smiled and got excited! Who wouldn't right? Your dad asking you to skip school and stay with him? And my daddy? Who always tells us to prioritize school would say something like that? So, thinking that he was just testing me that if I would give in, I replied in a sweet tone that I needed to go to school and that he needs to go to work. But at that moment, I really felt something I couldn't explain. As I was walking on the street, my heart pounded faster and faster. Many times did I stop and looked back at our house and wanted to go back. But when I was 5 houses away, a black cat stayed in front of me and would go which way I turn. I don't believe in superstition but that really freaked me out. I immediately prayed and asked God to protect me and my loved ones.
Then came 10 am, exactly after my class ended, I got a call from my sister telling me to go quickly at our dad's office. I could hear my mom wailing in the background but they wouldn't tell me what happened but I knew it was something terrible like someone just died. I was shaking and tried to compose myself, left the school, rode the jeepney and I was just praying the entire commute. I remember asking God "Please don't let it be death or I wont be able to handle it". My commute took longer than usual because all of the jeeps I rode were very slow. Imagine an old jeepney driven by an old driver and when I looked around I couldn't find a jeep to transfer to. When I passed by my dad's office, it was already closed. I hoped that it was just an emergency were my dad just had to be brought to the hospital and everything is just fine. Later on, I realized that my very long commute, was all part of God's plan. For if I made it to the office, I would witness the crime scene, that for sure will be unbearable for me. As I got home, my aunts were all crying and then they broke the horrible news--my daddy's gone :'( I felt awful, I didn't know how to respond or even cry, all I know is that it hurt really, really bad. My stomach turned and I couldn't breath. I didn't want to believe it was true. All I wanted was to see my daddy and I wanted to see him alive. So they took me to the morgue but wouldn't allow me to go in because they knew I couldn't handle it--they told me to wait. When they brought the coffin out I saw my dad lying inside. I felt devastated. I was overwhelmed, I could faint.
My dad is long gone, but when I dream about him, it's as if he is still alive and everything is just so real and I don't want it to end. But when everything feels so happy and pleasant, he would suddenly disappear from the scene and I would realize it's just a dream.I don't like that feeling--it hurts real bad then I always end up crying when I wake up. Sometimes I wish his death was just a joke and he is still alive. Denial? No. I just miss my dad so much. We were like buddies.
At times when I feel I miss my dad, I would always feel God's love and comfort embracing me. It is true what is written in His Word that "God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." -2 Corinthians 1:3 and He is Father to the fatherless -Psalm 68:5
I may never fully understand why God allowed this terrible thing to happen but I would not allow resentment to have a place in my heart. And this I am certain of:
My God knows everything; I do not.
He is in control.
He loves me greatly.
Just like Corrie Ten Boom explained: "Picture a piece of embroidery placed between you and God, with the right side up toward God. Man sees the loose, frayed ends; but God sees the pattern."
I don't need to see the pattern, I just need to trust God completely:)
Then I was reminded how that day went and I wished I could turn back time.
It was a Tuesday morning, thought it was going to be just an ordinary day not until I kissed my dad to say goodbye because I was about to go to school, he walked me up to the doorsteps then when I was about 3 to 5 steps away he called me back and asked if I could skip school and stay in the house with him. I smiled and got excited! Who wouldn't right? Your dad asking you to skip school and stay with him? And my daddy? Who always tells us to prioritize school would say something like that? So, thinking that he was just testing me that if I would give in, I replied in a sweet tone that I needed to go to school and that he needs to go to work. But at that moment, I really felt something I couldn't explain. As I was walking on the street, my heart pounded faster and faster. Many times did I stop and looked back at our house and wanted to go back. But when I was 5 houses away, a black cat stayed in front of me and would go which way I turn. I don't believe in superstition but that really freaked me out. I immediately prayed and asked God to protect me and my loved ones.
Then came 10 am, exactly after my class ended, I got a call from my sister telling me to go quickly at our dad's office. I could hear my mom wailing in the background but they wouldn't tell me what happened but I knew it was something terrible like someone just died. I was shaking and tried to compose myself, left the school, rode the jeepney and I was just praying the entire commute. I remember asking God "Please don't let it be death or I wont be able to handle it". My commute took longer than usual because all of the jeeps I rode were very slow. Imagine an old jeepney driven by an old driver and when I looked around I couldn't find a jeep to transfer to. When I passed by my dad's office, it was already closed. I hoped that it was just an emergency were my dad just had to be brought to the hospital and everything is just fine. Later on, I realized that my very long commute, was all part of God's plan. For if I made it to the office, I would witness the crime scene, that for sure will be unbearable for me. As I got home, my aunts were all crying and then they broke the horrible news--my daddy's gone :'( I felt awful, I didn't know how to respond or even cry, all I know is that it hurt really, really bad. My stomach turned and I couldn't breath. I didn't want to believe it was true. All I wanted was to see my daddy and I wanted to see him alive. So they took me to the morgue but wouldn't allow me to go in because they knew I couldn't handle it--they told me to wait. When they brought the coffin out I saw my dad lying inside. I felt devastated. I was overwhelmed, I could faint.
My dad is long gone, but when I dream about him, it's as if he is still alive and everything is just so real and I don't want it to end. But when everything feels so happy and pleasant, he would suddenly disappear from the scene and I would realize it's just a dream.I don't like that feeling--it hurts real bad then I always end up crying when I wake up. Sometimes I wish his death was just a joke and he is still alive. Denial? No. I just miss my dad so much. We were like buddies.
At times when I feel I miss my dad, I would always feel God's love and comfort embracing me. It is true what is written in His Word that "God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." -2 Corinthians 1:3 and He is Father to the fatherless -Psalm 68:5
I may never fully understand why God allowed this terrible thing to happen but I would not allow resentment to have a place in my heart. And this I am certain of:
My God knows everything; I do not.
He is in control.
He loves me greatly.
Just like Corrie Ten Boom explained: "Picture a piece of embroidery placed between you and God, with the right side up toward God. Man sees the loose, frayed ends; but God sees the pattern."
I don't need to see the pattern, I just need to trust God completely:)
Up to this time it's been 9 years I still cry every time the 24 of July is coming, yes the most worst day for me even though I'm abroad I re-live the event as if I was there when they murdered my brother I can picture the horrible things they did to him. It's hard to forget...but I forgive whoever committed this murder... I love you kong Remy...terribly missing you!
ReplyDelete(*_*)isajoy68
Aww K. I'm sorry to hear how all this things happened. But I'm glad that your heart is just outpouring with God's love that you have no room for negative stuffs. Say hi to your mom. She's super strong to be able to endure all of it as well and raise all three of you. God is good. I speak blessings upon you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon this blog post today. I am deeply sorry that this happened to you and your family. Never knew the full details until now. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful it must have been! However, your perspective is refreshing and your dependence on God is truly encouraging. May other people who went through what you did be able to be blessed by what you wrote.
ReplyDeleteBlessings upon you always!
thank you malou and sam:)
ReplyDelete